I can’t fake it anymore

I hear it is healing to write what you are feeling and to share your feelings.  I don’t know, I’ve been trying to figure all this out through my blogs for over a year now.  Right now it feels like a crock of crap.

Clyde spring of 2010

Thursday March 17, 2011 St. Patrick’s Day – the day my little saint Clyde went to heaven.

Sam said “it is colder this morning than I thought it was going to be.”  Charles replied ” ‘Supposed to be close to 70’s today.”  I didn’t say anything.  I didn’t feel anything, except the coolness of my wet tears as they ran down my cheeks.

Used to be I would try to hide my tears from Sam, too many years and too much history to try to fake it now.

Here we are again, the three of us, we have been through this so many times.  The sun has just barely come up and in that early dawn way, it is very quiet and still all around us.  Charles, Sam and I are standing around making small talk.  The roosters over on the farm are calling, the sound is haunting and sad, usually I love to hear them.  Sam, our friend and dedicated veterinarian has come to our aid.

We knew the time was coming, and we knew it wouldn’t be much longer.  Just the other day I wrote a blog and mentioned that our dog Clyde was having more trouble getting around, the cancer was spreading and I didn’t know how much longer he would be with us.   Little did I know that within a few hours of writing that blog,  the end would come.  I went out to give him his evening treat, he could no longer stand or walk.  In that instant I knew, I looked into Clyde’s eyes and I knew it was time.

My mornings will never be the same.  I have for the past fifteen years, received a big wet kiss and the happiest dog waggin tail greeting from my Clyde.  Last spring  he was diagnosed with Cancer. I used his kisses and tail wag to determine how he was feeling each day.  This morning his kiss was very weak, but he did wag his tail, he was happy to see me.  Our remaining dog, Betsy – does not give me kisses, she doesn’t sit still long enough.

It is going to be very different around here.  My morning walk to the studio will be lonely.  I would walk on one side of the fence and Clyde would always follow on the other side.  He would then settle in outside the studio for the duration of my time inside working.

There are events that I mark time with.  Things that I can look back on and recall, hey that is when so and so happened.  Last week I had a moment where I thought this is the time that I will look back on and know that Clyde would be leaving my side soon.  I didn’t realize it was going to be this soon.  I had gone down into the woods on the back of our property to dig for treasures to use in my found object collages and Clyde did not come with me.  Clyde always enjoyed walking with me in the woods, even up until last week, even though every step he took was a struggle.  That day, when I returned up to the house he was there and when I looked in his eyes I could see he was sad that he had not felt well enough to go with me.

I can’t fake it, I don’t feel any better.

Clyde's prints in the snow

Kim

5 thoughts on “I can’t fake it anymore

  1. I couldn’t click on ‘like’ in regard to this post. I think the writing is Excellent and I did rate that, although with hesitation. I didn’t feel that I should click on excellent or like to a blog post such as this.

    My heart aches for you. I sit here at my computer in a strange room and away from home at a management development program and I bawled. I cried like a baby when I read this Kimmi. I wanted to pick up the phone and call and but what would I say? I would just cry. So I sit here trying to type and trying to see the words through the blur in my eyes.

    I love you my dear friend. If I could take this pain away from you and endure it myself, I would do that over and over again. My heart aches for you yet my heart is happy for Clyde. He is out of pain and in doggy heaven wagging that tail and offering up wet kisses from above. One day my friend, I truly believe that you will be reunited with Clyde and all of your 4-legged friends that have gone before you. One day, once again, you’ll feel the unconditional love of the warm furriness that surrounds you.

    And, for this one day, look up to the heavens and cry. Walk the fence line and cry. Talk to Betsy and cry. Let the emotion out and then say so long but not goodbye.

    BIG HUGE HUG TO YOU!

  2. All we can strive to be – is more like our beloved animals – always happy, always positive, enduring of whatever comes their way with a quiet understanding – the more I love animals, the more I know that human beings have a lot of catching-up to do. I’m so sorry – I cry to think you have lost this sturdy and happy faithful defender of your realm! With tears, Karen

  3. Oh Kim, sorry to hear about Clyde. We recently lost our beloved Amber dog after nine years of faithful companionship, and I know the deep hearfelt pain you are feeling. Our furry kids are so much a part of our families, and it’s hard to say goodbye. Treasure the memories and know that Clyde has a good, long, wonderful life in your care! Blessings, Karen

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