I took the plunge to start something new. I signed up to take a five-week business course. Not just any course, but a class to help “creative people and their business soar,” taught by a very successful artist, who is willing to share her knowledge and experience. I’ve never done anything like this before, so it was a huge step.
I was traumatized just introducing myself at roll call last night. I told Charles, I felt so silly I didn’t even know what to say about myself. I realized that I had just uttered the words that someone had said to me recently. At that time I had thought, well how sad is that to not feel like you know who you are, after you have lived a full life?
Panic had kicked in for me. Wondering just who am I? What do I say about myself for an introduction. My fellow classmates all had such creative introductions and they sounded so fascinating. Trying to know the answer to who I am and realizing it is just like what I want for my art, to keep growing and discovering new things about myself and about the work that I create. It isn’t really all that scary, is it? I am not just one thing, I am the sum of all the past experiences, places, things and loves I have known. But there is more. I know there is. How do I put that into words of introduction?
I’ve allowed myself to continue on a journey of discovery. I don’t know what is before me. Hell, I’m not even sure I know what is behind me.
I haven’t even begun the class yet, and the roll call was enough to make me feel completely overwhelmed by all the talented, creative people out there.
Now I’m pissed. I didn’t sign up to take a class that would make me feel inadequate and unsure of myself and my work. I paid money for this?
No, I paid for a journey. A trip. A road to discovery. Which I realize isn’t without bumps, hiccups and unknowns.
Is it okay to say that I am still scared, and uncertain? It is just a class. Good grief, it isn’t a life time commitment.
I have fastened my seat belt and for better or worse, here I go.
Until next time,